you want to make an impression, a good impression if you can. people are telling you things and it's beginning to take hold of your reasoning. why? perhaps because what they are saying has complete relevance to how your feeling. it's shocking when you realize that people take notice to things around you in their own unique perspective.
simple. it's always so simple when you break it down to the rudimentary elements. you're not content to where you are due to the very fact that you have gone so far stray from who you are and now it hits you. smack. in your face, leaving a throbbing sensation in your heart. i cannot even begin to describe this emotion.
you've been here before. time and time again, this perpetual reaction stems from experiences that are all too similar.
people ask you if everything is okay and you just smile and nod. no words can do any justice. it certainly cannot be condensed to a brief conversation. so you just keep your mouth shut and write.
it is in this moment when you are mindfully unstoppable, where children flood your space. toddlers. teenagers. girls. boys. they come into your aura and remind you of your inner child. if you want to have children anymore. looking into their eyes, you cannot bring yourself to leave them unhappy. they ask you for a companionship that you know you will not be able to supply. so you seal your lips and bring it to a smile. words will just complicate things.
you give yourself to others to the point where nothing is left for even you. how can you possibly make anyone else happy if you do not even have yourself? this is a phenomenon. this cycle we tend to call life. it perpetuates through our fingertips and within layers of skin so skillfully intertwined among long nights and difficult mornings.
you realize that you are not where you want nor are you where you belong. it is in this limbo stage where you cannot wrap your thoughts around why you are heading in this direction. why things that were so familiar in the past are now posing as a threat to your sanity. you are virtually driving yourself insane. at odd points you look at your demeanor in a debris infested mirror and express your frustration. wipe away the grim and see you for you. to tell the truth, the image isn't as appetizing as you would like.
dark circles clot around folded skin as blemishes surface. you don't even look human. focus points extinguish and a blurred shadow appears around your frontal lobe. you then ask yourself why you've allowed this to prolong... this unfair treatment. lips fail to launch into motion, just thoughts shooting into a blurry reflection. patiently you wait for a response... silence. you have nothing to say to yourself. you are not in control and you're not sure if you like it. usually you can talk yourself out of these funks, but this time it seems to be taking over every element of your existence and words aren't helping anymore.
what's worse is that you cannot stay focused on one matter without checking out in a moment's notice. this terrestrial behavior is causing you to isolate from society. you engage in a conversation and mislead that individual into thinking that you are actively listening to their words. seconds catch up to minutes and your eyes shift over their shoulder. coast clear, your attention is now to the sky, closer to the iced latte now melting into lukewarm syrup.
you want to be there with them. channel energies. evolve morals. reciprocate fashions. you sigh and giggle when you notice their body language shifting because this is the indication that something exciting has happened in their delivery. they fall for it. you fall for it. time is your closest friend.
you've committed few hours to this tug-n-war. you're kidding yourself. you cannot ration with them because your current mental state is in utter chaos. you have lost yourself and have nothing to give them. this is truly a horrible feeling.
there's one pastime that is the only aspect keeping you alert. people watching. no conversation necessary. it is this that mind fucks you. you think that you are a member of this world, but you are simply an outside force watching from afar.
i find myself watching people and studying their mannerisms. this typically a private endeavor, however, i am consciously making it public because i need to understand the reasoning behind my addiction.
people watching.
i center my focus on people receiving. when an individual receives anything, he/she reacts in a specified manner. they all are so different and unique; however, you can certainly tell how it affects them. so we know that the person receiving reacts (in most occurrences) in a positive manner. they enjoy the gift. they sulk in happiness. they can't stop smiling. so then what happens to the third party observing the act in itself, who has no connection to either the person giving or that person receiving? their own energy is in limbo so they take this time (watching people) to regain themselves. recharge if you will.
do we compare and contrast subjectively? are we genuinely happy for both parties? does it depend on the circumstances? these questions float in and out of my mind while i savor in my addiction.
i will say that some people have it so easy. they tend to take these kind favors for granted, it makes me ill just thinking about it...how can someone be in a position to receive repetitiously without considering the other person? i have not found a resolution to this post and i don't think i ever will.
people are odd characters. finding the wholesome ones is the most difficult transaction i have ever encountered.
p.l.h,
a
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