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moldy pillows

everything hurts. it's amazing what pain can do to you. it takes over every piece of your existence. some points you feel numb. others you feel too much. i keep replaying the scene where this person sits in their car looking out through a dirty windshield. they've just embarked on the most catastrophic experience by means of heart and soul.

they remain at this road for an hour. parked. lost. hurt. no communication. their phone now under the seat. tears stream down their face and vision becomes synonymous to the windshield. blurred. distant. weathered.

so this being attempts to function on a strict routine of events. simple actions take more effort. eating is out of the question. tears offer a satisfaction to hunger. salty droplets swallowed place the stomach to ease. eyes throb from persistent battery. palms press chest. cigarette tar builds in lungs. breathing becomes difficult. the heart is torn and it's not helping this anatomical disaster. sleeping is a dream in itself. eyes are swollen. you wish this was a dream. at least you can look forward to waking up. body shivers causing knots to surface. consistent jerks to snap yourself out of it makes you feel it even more.

this being is a complete mess.

it's like a broken record. the same part skips or sometimes even repeats. regardless of the measure, it is virtually impossible to tolerate... it pinches every part of a broken heart the same. the being knows all of the words at this point. words transform into hums. hums partner with damp and salty lips. hums sulk into cries. whimpers. the record continues to loop and the cries get heavier. there's no heart left inside to hold the burden. so it travels to a fetal spine. arched with head to knee. spine deteriorates. healthy posture is cliché.

a delusional state. the being is seeing, hearing, and smelling, tasting the very reason for his/her transgression. toes pinch cold cement and it all feels cold. the most important contender, communication, now is the most strenuous ordeal. it hurts to communicate. the heart is in pieces. not beating at a single frequency rather in increments paired with each piece. the resentment portion rings.

then, the disappointment vibrates. shock. empathy. forgiveness. love and then the hurt echoes. the hurt portion is the largest, hence which causes this being's entire body to be in disarray. love and then hurt. two closely paired pieces. on a cold cement floor. cars swerve to avoid this mess. no one wants to be involved in this. it would take more road closures to scrape these sections than anyone has the patience to handle. love causes it to hurt this much. if these people could just have the decency to wait and watch as each piece comes together, they would truly see how big this heart is.

this moth sheds right before me. a symbol i simply cannot ignore.

perhaps it's a sign that things will get better or even the reason will turn a new leaf. come out a stronger person. ditch the old and welcome a new path. a path of self-discovery where surrendering themselves to failure will be their only demise.

midnight fog settles in. the cement gets colder. wind dries tears. the being prays for a windstorm because it is the only match for these tears. shirt becomes soaked in salt. one can question how much pain can single being take. questions like this do not even enter his/her mind. it hurts to much to think. they just feel for right now.

now and for however long it takes.



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