back at square one. those midnight drives were once peaceful; a viable part of meditative practice, but now have catapulted into an analytical tirade masking any emotion. it’s funny when people tell you they get you. they understand you. they feel you. it’s the same people who are quick to ask a plethora of questions when things don’t go their way. perplexed as they tap fingertips onto an LED screen.

i find it ironic.

i reached an understanding the other day. surely it wasn’t solely inclusive rather a culmination of observations both past and present. it came together while i watched an oj simpson documentary. yes, oj simpson. my company insisted that we share focal points that evening while i tirelessly worked on my laptop. i must admit, multi-tasking is a personal forte.

it was spring. i gave a man a plate of food. i did this often and still do to this day. i said a prayer to myself, "in me satisfying this man’s hunger, i will never be homeless and/or on the streets." spirit guide shook her head. she heard the prayer. not pleased. told me to stop… stop giving to others without being mindful. wind blew a whistle. what the hell did that mean? i didn’t ask any questions. i nodded and onto the next person. plate of food. closed my eyes. and virtually thought of nothing. black. blank. was this being mindful? incorrect.

years passed, she passed, and the words of advice remained. i soon changed the format. erased the notion that if i were to give to someone, they were inclined to give back. they had to. i did a good deed and they need to return the favor. it was their civil duty. the very nature of that statement is unsettling now as i have come a long way since that day in may.

so then i began to give mindfully. without any expectations. kept the approach genuinely wholesome. gifts. vibes. thoughts. prayers. energies. etc. i did this for many years. i am giving you this plate of food. these words. this rock in the snow. mismatched socks. (whatever it was…). may you or those around you never go hungry, suffer, hurt both in this life and the lives following. i wish you good health and prosperity. translation: giving mindfully.

was it fulfilling? to an extent, yes. i tread lightly here. i had no connection to that god awful "expectation" mindset in my younger years, but i was still feeling vacant after giving to so many. why was this happening?

boom. it came to me. people do not accept mindfully. go on, and repeat that three or four times. people do not accept mindfully. people do not accept mindfully.

allow me to explain. people fail to ration the intricacies of another person’s compassion. they are consumed with the gift (in whatever capacity that may be) and refrain from stepping outside the selfish desire to relish in the experience to properly denote what it took for this person to give in the first place. what they had to go through to be in a head-space to give. how much the individual had to sacrifice to make it happen at that very moment. the amount of respect and admiration this person has for you to perform such a selfless act. the list goes on.

i approach these instances much like a naive child. there is a hope that this time will be different. perhaps this individual will break the monotony. it’s not a mirage, it’s the real deal. seconds mature to weeks, and back at square one.

you see, we live in a self serving society. people would much rather be on their phones seeking outward than focus on what’s in front of them. they take it all for granted. this is very disconcerting. a person seeking a true, unadulterated connection is attempting to relate to your existence and you opt to turn a cold shoulder or show no consideration whatsoever. point is, you will never be able to be present unless you understand the rudimentary element of mindfulness.

how does one navigate through this systemically poisonous enterprise? simple. we give and receive mindfully.

difficult as people are distracted. distracted by their own inhibitions or emotions, both sentiments relating to the past. whatever you are going through already happened. you're now recollecting thoughts surrounding the past, which is now causing you to be disconnected to the present. sure, we all need to learn from the past in order to rectify the present and eventually the near foreseeable future BUT we must pick and choose these occurrences carefully. sulking in your sadness under sheets days on end isn't going to give you a life lift.

i offer an alternative perspective. a holistic, financially accommodating one in that. there is this glorious gift presented before you that just may be the connection. a connection toward resolving those inhibitions and/or emotional roadblocks. not the gift alone, but the meaning and energy encapsulated in the event... and the person offering the gift should, at the very least, be appreciated and considered. you as the receiving party have an obligation to mindfully address the exchange. i must stress that words (i.e. thanks, cool, awesome, etc.) hold a mediocre appeal compared to the untainted mindful response.

in any case, the "receiving party" will soon figure out that giving mindfully does perfect the process. not because the other person expects it, but because it truly feels good to give. it’s a sensation unlike receiving. it stands alone. a single light beam wrinkled in a curled fist ready to illuminate another soul. no need to keep the fist closed. release. connect. repeat. and relish.

kevin says it perfectly, "the way I keep myself together, is by not keeping anything at all."

it is there when the giving party will be able to experience the receiving cycle. such an idealistic mentality this child has ::smiles:: sadly coming to such a reality in the adult world bears some repercussions. the person who gives mindfully and is not received mindfully is left with an incredible amount of heartache. disappointment. emotions they must resolve on their own, which they will. they understand how to manage said distractions as they've been here time and time again.

book end. in order for the exchange to be complete, both parties must give and receive mindfully. the cycle is vis versa and continues until either party forgets their foundation in mindful practice.

this was my conniption. this was my understanding. rough nights came to a quiet close. it’s been hard this time around. think recent events fueled repressed thoughts around the topic. alas, the chosen time to reflect on emotional tribulations. terrible feeling when your heart pinches in between smoked filled lungs. at moments you feel like a fool. a fool for approaching it like a child. suppose you’d have to feel, from both perspectives, before you awake to that moldy pillow.

ani says it beautifully,"it's the urge to kill something beautiful, just to hang it on your wall."

so much for knowing someone, right? plot twist. time to move forward champ. onto the next. maybe it will be different. maybe not.

p.s. kevin garrett is king. ani is queen. their lyrical dispositions have been refreshing during this rainy season. cheers.

consequential mirage: https://open.spotify.com/user/aabeynay/playlist/19vJzFGUVo6pVF13BnlNxk?si=bvhpYg82QoacuXpFgI4Eqw

p.l.h,

a

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