i know. it’s been a while. hibernation gets me in all sorts of trouble. this time was different than the others. felt like i needed to disconnect. unplug. from everyone. everything.

i admit, i missed looking into someone’s eyes during a coffee date. sensing there was something they wanted to tell me, but felt like it wasn’t the right time because i wasn’t ready to hear it. they would be right. i wasn’t ready. but again, that never really happened now did it? it was just a visual portrait designed for empathy's sake. emotions. sensations. expectations. our world is so messy. i opted to check out. clean house a cranial temple. reset a damaged parasympathetic nervous system.

one thing was for sure; i craved organic goldfish crackers and room temperature root beer. yeah. it’s a thing. a pregnant sensation then grew within my underdeveloped solar plexus. baby abbey kicked. she was growing. and she had one mission. annihilate the old me. we fought for 31 years. a raw war. semordnilap at its finest. baby abbey was going to win. no matter what it took. i had no choice, but to go fish ::smiles::

water ripples. are you able to discern the point of inception if you catch the midpoint? the temporal nature is then also arbitrary. we have no idea where or how the ripple(s) began. we are left to judge the phenomenon subjectively. and it’s in this 'subjective’ stage where most people get into trouble.

many us would spend more time dissecting what caused it rather than soak in the beauty of natural law in causation. sinking into why, where, how is a trivial matter. anchored to an endless cycle. why is that? because your thoughts and beliefs are not your thoughts and/or beliefs. growl if you may. shift in your seats a little. apologies if i placed you in any discomfort. i hear a tetanus shot helps. that and safe sex. keeps the insecure, pubescent wolverine indoors. that's another post. stay tuned. back to the point...

let's unpack this. you have been spoon-fed all your life. by your parents, friends, media, society, external judgments, etc. reacting to a world from the outside in rather than the alternative. your life is the antithesis of individualistic discovery. until you silence it all. hush the external chatter and revel in the silence.

well of course you cannot silence your surroundings entirely. i get that. you get that. we all get that. therefore i propose a close to damn near solution. shut your door, sense the walls, desensitize the walls, and turn off your conscious mind. bake some neurological cookies and invite the subconscious mind. this propagates muted silence. almost like when i was scuba diving in my younger years. 120 feet under. i recall the sound of space. and human breath. i disliked carbonation. air bubbles floating everywhere. not necessary. room temperature always. here. in this silent space. close your eyes and forget everything you were taught. if you have a hard time doing this, then swap out the words for items and attempt to make sense (i.e. fork with plunger). does it make sense to use the plunger as a fork? it’s a no only because you were taught that. language led you to this. and your parents/school led you to language. and they were taught their language from their parents. see the cycle here? no fabric softener in this load. rough as it gets. a notion you do not want to wear after recognizing this process.

so you sit here. staring at this body of water. ripples cascade across the surface. and you opt to waste this moment on past tribulations in order to posit your thoughts on why it is happening. there are ripples everywhere. a lake. pond. a body. life is a culmination of ripples. every new arc presents a progression forward, around, away. we get so far past the point of where it all began, and soon narrow our focus to ideal shore. and the same can be applied to impediments, insecurities, etc. or at least that’s how i see it. rather indicative isn’t it? bite into that for a moment. don't use the fork because it's really not a fork ::smiles:: use your fingers or more like those things... this baby was coming out. i had no midwife. no obgyn. no clorox wipes. this shit was happening. i'd hope to be in a better place. rent paid. groceries in fridge. shit, even a good fuck before enduring this pain. but no. i was homeless, hungry, and apparently, celibate.

baby abbey and i tag teamed. out she came. wrinkled in ripples. eyes sensitive to light; even people who embody their own light. she had no preconceived language and she did not want anyone’s help. those swinging verbal machetes with their angry, wrinkled foreheads... she flipped them off and crawled the other way. she aimed to find her own language. baby abbey was sick and tired of me living in the past. she knew how grand the sound of space was. i mean, c'mon, she was submerged in it all her life.

before she buried me, she told me to listen to the space for i could rise from 120 feet in due time. she, too, was going to die one day. and by death she meant negatively influenced by her surroundings. it was inevitable. emotions. sensations. expectations. our world is so messy.

it then occurred to me that we are all recycled material. our bodies. our minds. the better we take care of the item, the more value it had. evolution into a higher consciousness. excellent.

so in conclusion, sorry for the delay in posts. i was in labor for four months. i am back now. until thriller abbey decides to surface. no worries, we have 31 more years.

have a good night my friends. go read a book. add value to your mind. because news flash, it's currently on clearance.

p.l.h,

a

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