here we are again. at a bar. the same bar. facing a mixologist who should know your drink at this point, but resorts to asking you the same question. what can i get you?
i suppose they do see many faces here. people come, people go. i get it. but me, i haven't really left now have i? i've kept this aged, leather seat warm for quite some time. not because i'm an alcoholic. not here for the drinks. here to connect. on a soulful, bioenergetic level. at a bar? at a coffeeshop? it's all relative isn't it? point being, i'm here. symbol being, bartender is a pure personification of someone in a constant process of servitude.
as i nurse this gin and tonic, my mind fixates on a venn diagram. other patrons arrive, take them away from me. that's okay. this is life. this is how life works. looking into the same pair of eyes can be slightly intimidating. or maybe too intimidating. for someone like me, it's rather intimate. in this moment, a part of you is dying (i.e. skin, hair, etc.). if we can look into each other's eyes. offer some form of life in the interconnectedness of us, then we are truly cultivating. rebirth sincerity. can't we appreciate the divinity of this moment?
it's here where i usually feel misunderstood. present mannerisms come off too intentional for many. this took some time to develop. it was a learned trait.
i've done a substantial amount of soul searching these past few years. amongst all of the checkpoints, humor was a big turning point. why and when do i use humor? is it utilized as a defensive tactic? masking all the pain, suffering or bouts of trauma still in need of healing? figured if i could make fun of myself, then no one else could. is it weaponized to tear another person down so that i can feel good about my broken, fucked up self? these were questions i had to sort through. solution: all of the above.
you see, we have this ego monster tucked into our subconscious. when people think of egos, they tend to associate the construct to a conceited tool of a being. not all egos share the genetic makeup; egos come in various shapes and sizes. your ego is particular to you. no matter how broken you are on the inside, you opt to defend it at any cost.
what was i defending? if humor was a coping mechanism, then perhaps my life was a joke. i wasn't taking it seriously. boom. there it was. i wasn't taking my life, the situation, or my approach seriously. that was the underlying message. so, i dissolved that ego a year ago. no more masks. no more defensive tactics. no more making a joke out of my life. i was enough for me, even if i was still figuring shit out internally.
wait. did that mean i had to completely eradicate humor from my humanly constitution? not quite. where and how humor would be used had to be an intentional thought process. if i was mining from any "lack," then i refrained from delivering that line. if it was lighthearted with no malice, then roll it off tongue. watch the smiles peak around you. fascinating when you go through such an intense process on your own. it's sacred. you're so in tuned with you that you can recognize it when others mine from a "lack" around you.
bartender is back. we converse for a bit. they vent as they offer a heavy pour. not because i want one; because it's automatic. they opt to poke fun at the fact that my glass is half full. ask me rhetorical questions in order to get a reaction. delegitimize my ability to handle a full glass because i'm not cut out for it. where was this aggressiveness coming from? was our bartender mining from trauma? were they defending something internally broken? as soon as other patrons seem like they need their glass filled, bartender is the first to offer a hand. i've noticed. i tell them i'm good. i like having my glass half full. why? before i can answer, they head over to another guest. a hard sigh ensues. tumble into my thoughts.
soulmate told me to not give up on people. there are gems out there. i remember her words each time i find myself in these points where i question why i even came out in the first place. it wasn't that i gave up on people; i was just tired. tired of putting in the work to make sure the whole system was working perfectly. so i went underground. for a long while.
why? well it's like a venn diagram. two people. two circles. each circle consists of traumas, inhibitions, goals, dreams, etc. an integration of one's personal constitution. how accountable are you in working on your circle? filter through traumas for solidified solutions. never to erase. simply a cross through indicates it happened. you can see it. come back for referential purposes, but recognize that it's crossed out for a reason. dreams require layers. move past said negative experiences into a prolific future. suspend disbelief. where two people (or more) meet is in the middle. organic. no aggression necessary.
bartender smiles at me. no words. they came back while i was still in my thoughts. sip my drink. they begin describing how all these patrons been frequenting this bar for years. and every time it's the same treatment; they all want their glasses filled. then, a moment sits between us. here was the real bartender. mask off. defenses down. their gaze pressed to the floor. soon to admit they just want to get lost in the forest for a night, perhaps even find a hidden waterfall.
i search into their eyes. for something behind it all. corneas hug around an anterior chamber and then onto the iris. interestingly, in the shape of a circle within a circle. i can see that they are not fulfilled with those patrons. shit got real. too real, i think… because our lovely bartender reaches forward to fill my drink again. while delivering more rhetorical punch lines. again, automatic. i gracefully place my hand on theirs.
i'm not them. i will never be them.
the contents of my circle are different. borders are smoother than theirs. please don't approach me with this coldness and/or apathy you do with those one dimensional patrons. i am here. alone. surrendering within a multifaceted dimensional space. i need not you or anyone to legitimize or delegitimize my existence.
they are your past. i am your present.
i have been nothing but intentionally patient with you; trying to see you even in the brief moments we share. orchestrating a new language in this new space with you. i think i deserve a bit more consideration. all of my words are positioned with tenderness. never a malicious nerve in my body when i'm seeing you... are you seeing me?
i pull out my bottle. grab a glass. fill it halfway. slide it over to them. their smile is coils into astonishment. in that moment, everything feels right. like how it should be. until-- the patrons shout out a memory… quick to hook the bartender. they leave me again.
i sit staring at these two glasses. heart heavy. is this how it's going to be? every time we meet it's like we're meeting for the first time? always halfway somewhere else. forgetting the ground we covered… look down at the pavement as you wish. just recognize we're further up the road than last time. don't you remember?
my circle. each pillar warrants a progression toward feeling abundant. full with me, my life, and my choices. held myself accountable. presented as is with an openness to expand. how does one expand in this circle chart? communication. surrender. transparency. you can't do that if you haven't done the homework. it is my experience that people who are able to do this from day one, can experience more intentional moments where things feel right. all the time. not just those random pockets scattered in the 2D world.
soulmate mentioned in order for a relationship to be effective, there has to be a very clear shared ground. she's right. by shared ground, i refer to the homogeneous portion in the venn diagram.
however, it's been rough out here. i'm not sure if i like it. understandably, it's a 50/50 formula. it's not going to be easy. i hear that all the time. but i think it is pretty easy. each person works on their circle, communicates and the other receives with an open heart. middle ground expands and both will have more to relate on. time. trust. humility is are integral factors. if this is possible, they move forward. unicity as an alchemic process that must be intentional.
these days, i've been looking at other circles. where we meet. notice the center pinches into a sliver that may just as well be a line. maybe even a fucking wall. is it fear? is it intimidation? has humor caught people in a double edged lie where they tell themselves it's all fun/light, but it's really not? what the hell is going on? i'm trying to decode these circles. response i receive is further disconnect. this is the point of feeling misunderstood. heart heavy again.
it's a defeating gesture. you do all this work on yourself only to feel the same like you did when you left the scene. you can't force the others to see you. hear you. embody you. they have to want to do all of those things on their own. fact is, many out there are uncomfortable with where they're at. want the overlap to happen without doing the work.
despite the weight on my chest, it usually makes me smile. life seemed to be easier when i was broken. interacting with others who resonated at this frequency felt like i was connecting with them. couldn't be further from the truth. there was no "in between." just circles on top of circles.
asked the universe what i need to do to grow from this. what am i not seeing here? am i in the wrong? am i approaching something incorrectly? how can i refrain from continually feeling this heavy heart?
all the signs deduced to one word: pivot. pivot inward. hold space for you. some may identify this as dissociating; that's their inability to pull back to witness their own actions. people don't simply dissociate because things are good... they dissociate because they've put an insurmountable effort into something and it just doesn't work out. the act of pulling away is to hold space. all you can do is place hope that others will slowly work on their circles. if they hit a hard reset every time they interact with you, then they're not ready for your circle; they are not ready to step into this rare paradigm. a new tool needs to be used in your venn diagram communion.
if they think they can recycle the same old, rusted tools, then they aren't qualified to be here with you. use a ruler to paddle a canoe, and you'll never reach your destination. not only does the tool need to act as a reliable paddle, it needs to be tended to with every use. sanding out the ebbs and flows. keen attention to detail.
accept them as is and look to yourself for the anchor. heart won't feel heavy if you align yourself with the fact that you are enough and you're not too much. never feel guilty for being intentional. honor your process. it's not a joke. ever.
and again, we arrive here. reorient amongst the interpersonal disorientation. all the while, alone.
staring at a waterfall.
© A.Abeynayake and moldypilow, 2011-2020. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to moldypillow and/or A.Abeynayake and moldypillow with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.