little debbies are code for the little laughs we once had...
i sat with myself today. many crowded around, but their words were of no major importance. the earth was hinting. trees swayed from side to side. theoretical tailspins then began to rumble inside me. i am just a number out here. nearly seven billion people live on this planet and i am just one of them. one, might i add, who refuses to take part in this social-political nonsense. where individuals feel like they are part of something if and only if the numbers continually increase. i am quite alright with my one. chatter clouds my autonomy.
my notepads are bare. i haven't written anything substantial in weeks. where the fuck have i gone? i stumbled into a communal bathroom the other evening and looked at myself in the reflection of a tin bar. i disregarded it as yet another observation in life as a whole. after draining the liquids from my celibate udder, i ran my hand under some warm water. i revisited the tin bar with my gaze. looked back down then back at myself in the wall mirror. life has aged me. it's amazing how much people don't see. my eyes are sinking into my skull. bone sockets show as they push against tender skin. i feel like it is because everything that i have witnessed is lethal. a bountiful formula for the aging process. skin just dies underneath causing a black pool of nerve endings that have since gone stray...
my company was patiently waiting outside. i had to make haste. i turned around and caught the towel. there it was... another fucking tin bar reflection. nose disproportionate. lips split in vertical lines. eyes covered by a gray lining. almost film like. this typically happens to fish and/or reptiles. hell, even dying people show signs of this natural structure. it was at this particular moment where i felt it. stomach pulsated into knots. heart skipped a few beats. damp palm on a forehead. it was all clear then: i was a fish out of water. page break is totally necessary right now. this is heavy. shit just got real.
the cliché still holds. i swam far from home that i lost a small part of myself. just as i struggled to barter with reason, another notion entered my mind. home is here, inside my mind. this is where my comfort is. holy fuck. conniptions decided to drop in this evening.
even my language isn't as polished. we'll save that for another day ::smiles::
this chapter lead me to this conclusion. home is here and has always been here. i am at peace when i am left to my thoughts. delivering said thoughts to others can be a tricky situation. i have tried the countless attempts to discuss amicably with others. intensified platonic conversations have to led to connective downfalls. people are mesmerized with introverts. especially when that crab comes out of its shell every so often.
so now that sense is present, i must develop a mechanism to coexist with individuals. i think i have successfully devised a solution. and this my friends, is for me... no need to publicize to the crowd.
warm shower awaits. think candlelight will soften that shell a bit too. i shall press forward.
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