collusion of the mind is the most defeating gesture of them all. my filtration system is overworked and underpowered. wallowing in unbridled pedantries. i'm reaching this familiar space again where everything seems to be miscellaneous. monotone is the best way to posit it within an impish society where everything needs to be some sort of hyperbole and/or celebration.
the idea that there may be a chemical imbalance has rocked my neurons albeit i've also toggled with the idea that everyone else may be faking how they truly feel. who knows? what i do recognize is that i have been insolent in every reverb of untidy thought. learning how to sit with all this shit and bear witness to a highly cogitative process.
my mental pliancy isn't amazing these days. perhaps because i've offered more to others than i have to myself this time around. and that's on me. this whole growth shit takes time. pretty hard breaking habits and unlearning learned coping mechanisms.
who am i looking for? someone who can transcend humility so that it is a strength rather than a hindrance. a person with an intellect that matches or surpasses mine, so we are able to ground and rise simultaneously. engage in philosophical conversations that may travel the world, divided only by a semicolon and concluded with an ellipsis. a desire to ruminate within sense of maturation whilst peering out into young horizons. press their palm on my humbly arched back and know this is as complex as our physical dynamic needs to be. a kindred spirit who can commune with my mind, body and soul as equals, always as equals.
conversed with the soulmate about this construct. after comparing notes for hours, we both then just sat in silence. peering through a polished windshield. individually, we've gone through our fair share of bouts within interpersonal dynamics. now well into our thirties, her and i wonder if there are others committed to a mindful path. rare to come by these people. perhaps society, systemically driven and ineffably dictating as it is, eroded all altruistic denominations.
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